I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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