If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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