we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.