I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.