one might say we're banned from that church
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
