Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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