what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
