help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
