WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
