then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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