dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
