So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
