apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
