Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
