I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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