Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
