she was so not down for the gang bang
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
