I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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