i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
