can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
