You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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