just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
