I met the friendliest cop last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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