apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
