haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
COCAINE IS GR8
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
