i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
