You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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