I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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