She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
