Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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