I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
