I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this will be a night to untag.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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