bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
