Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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