I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
