Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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