Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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