Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
