theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
