Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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