I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
