They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you will always have a special place in my vag
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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