Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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