mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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