How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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