Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
