My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
