LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
