i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
