Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
