great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
