It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
