I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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