I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
