Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
