Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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