I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
