how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
