spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
