why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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