I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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