is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
