Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
sex in a hospital.. check
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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