I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
