Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
